Thursday, July 10, 2008

Love in America

Love in America by Sydmil E. Harris

The ever so popular idea of love is similar to the idea of democracy. It works great in theory, but the reality is, it more often than not fails. Especially in America, the country with the highest divorce rate on the planet. America has propagated democracy for decades. The same goes for love. For either concept the result is often not satisfactory. The reason that is true in my opinion, is that both consist out of a virtually unlimited number of compromises, something that most are just not always willing to do.

The secret of making a success out of democracy and love in their practical applications is to allow for a fairly wide margin of errors, thus patience. Let us also not forget that Americans have a tough time submitting to any type of uniformity for any length of time. After all, why should they? They live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. But this does not satisfy a nation that, in spite of its devotion to practicality, also strongly believes in perfection.

Yes, I realize that it may seem a tad odd for me, a foreigner, to speak of the troubles Americans face in their social life. But the truth is that I had always been sure I would find love here, which I did. Despite the obvious problems, Americans are still rather optimistic. And why should they not be right? Life here is good, for some…

Before landing here I had seen a great deal of American movies. These movies all gave me the impression that love in America is mostly triumphant, and that, in spite of many unfortunate accidents, a love story cannot but end very well indeed. Of course the movies always show struggles and problems, but things never stay wrecked. Even when the happy couple is compelled to divorce, this is not the end of everything. In most cases it is only the beginning. Very soon they will remarry, sometimes with one another, and always —without ever an exception —for love. I know what you are thinking, how can one think that movies give a reliable picture of what actual life is like? The truth is of course they don’t. Even movies based on actual events are hardly ever representative of the truth. (Take a look at the real Frank Lucas, the main character from American Gangster, nothing like Denzel) All I am saying is that American movies do represent the image people want love to have. This Image consists out of three basic principals; 1) love is the only reason why a man and a woman should get married 2) love is always wholesome, genuine, uplifting, and fresh, like a new born child. 3) if a relationship, for some reason or other, fails to keep you uplifted, wholesome, and fresh, the only thing to do is to begin all over again with another partner.

Tell me, am I the ignorant foreigner, tactless for questioning the validity of these premises? The truth is that I felt completely transformed the moment I took my first stroll on the UT Campus. My European skepticism evaporated with each step I took. And now that I am still young, but live an “old man’s life”, I am happy to find that maturity and even old age are merely (perhaps European) conventions of thought. I am slowly but surely adopting the American method, which is to be young and act young for the rest of my life —or at least until the expiration of my green card.

Whenever I go back to the Netherlands and listen to the radio, I am always surprised to find that so many songs can be written on subjects other than love. I have no statistics on the subject, but I am willing to bet that at least 80% of songs in America are about love, whether it is love gone bad, or love gone right, the topic is love. It seems to me that love, like everything else, is sold to the public. And because this is a consumer society, the very word, when heard so many times, becomes like an obsession. It penetrates one's sub consciousness like a subliminal message.

All of these factors contribute to the nationwide misunderstanding of the word love. However, there is one aspect that makes everything slightly more difficult, if not impossible. Men have never believed this, and have learned to be happy without it, women, especially American women, have. The American woman still entertains the delightful illusion that there must be some man on this earth who can understand her. It seems incredible to her that love, within legal bonds or outside of them, should not work out as advertised. It took my wife a while before she realized that the big wedding, with the white dress, and the grossly expensive engagement ring, are not indicative of future happiness. Success —the constant effort to make things work perfectly and the conviction that they can be made to —is the great national fixation. It is the foundation of the American Dream.

The American dream entails the notion that success has a universal formula. As we mature in life, we realize that the formula is not universal but more like buying a suit; There are several sizes that are close to your dimensions, but some tailoring is usually required to make it fit they way you want it to. For instance, I am a 46L. To make my suit fit me the way I want it to though, it take it to my Russian tailor. I always need to get several things adjusted; I have a small waist but big thighs, my jacket also need several adjustments. She does an excellent job. But, I digress… Another perfect example is the difference between an American cookbook and a French one. A French recipe seldom tells you how many ounces of butter to use to make anything. French cookbooks are full of mysterious measurements such as a pinch of pepper, a suspicion of garlic, or a generous sprinkling of brandy. There are constant references to seasoning to taste, as if the recipe were merely intended to give a general direction, relying on the experience of the cook to make the dish turn out right.

American recipes look like doctors' prescriptions. Perfect cooking seems to depend on perfect dosage. Some of these books give you a table of calories and vitamins —as if that had anything to do with the problem of eating well! It seems to me that love is approached in the same way.

Thus the problem of love in America seems to be the result of conflicting and rather unrealistic ways of approaching it. Too many songs, too many stories, too many pictures, and too much romance on the one hand, and too much practical advice on the other. It is as if the experience of being in love could only be one of two things: a superhuman ecstasy, the way of reaching heaven on earth and in pairs; or a mental condition to be treated by specialists.

It is not easy, nor perhaps of any use, to draw any conclusion from all this. I am but a simple European who has perhaps lost the fresh point of view of the visitor because he lives here, and who is not quite sure of what it means to be a European any more. I sometimes wonder if there is any real difference between the way men and women get along on either side of the world. I do think that the reason for the high American divorce rate can be traced to a cultural source. It is the strong feelings of revolt against human inadequacy to be perfectly happy, with anything. In Europe people are taught that compromise is not synonymous with defeat,but compromise is un-American.

Of course nothing is lost. There is no reason to think that love will always be a national problem in America. The Nation is after all barely five centuries old. All it takes, is for people to realize that love is not what Hollywood shows us, nor is it what professors tell us. Love is something that has no formula, (if it does no one knows it), no solution, and no definition. It is what binds us and drives us, it is what defines us as human beings. It is our purpose in life.

Lots of Love,


Sydmil E. Harris










Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The sky is falling, ain't no need to panic



I met a gypsy and she hipped me to some life game
To stimulate, then activate the left and right brain
Said baby boy you're only funky as your last cut
You focus on the past your ass'll be a has but
Thats one to live by
Or either that one to die to
I try to just throw it at you
Determine your own adventure

Andre,
Got to a station, here's my destination
She got off the bus,
The conversation lingered in my head for hours...





Ten times out of nine, now if I'm lying fine
The quickest muzzle throw it on my mouth and I'll decline
King meets queen, then the puppy love thing,
Together dream bout that crib with the goodyear swing
On the oak tree, I hope we feel like this forever
Forever, forever-ever, forever-ever?
Forever never seems that long until you're grown
And know this that the day by day ruler can't be too wrong

Ms. Jackson my intentions were good I wish I could
Become a magician to abacadabra off the sadder
Thoughts of me, thoughts of she, thoughts of he
Askin what happened to the feelin that her and me had,
I pray so much about it need some knee pads
It happened for a reason, one can't be mad
So know, just know, that everything is cool
And yes I will be present on the first day of school, and graduation





I love who you are I love who ya ain't you're so Ann Frank
Let's hit the attic to hide out for bout two weeks

Please Don't Shoot Me Down

Please don't shoot me down
Cause I'm flying
I'm higher



My perception is everything.
Perception is all that matters.
Perception matters most.
What you don't know won't hurt you.


Slippery Slope. This is where things start to get really tricky.

I have come to think that it is better to deal with reality no matter how unpleasant it is.
-Dennis Quad as President Staton on American Dreamz-



This one is real tricky. We'll start with the first one. "My perception is everything."

"My perception is everything"
It is. To you. It's a cold world. It really is. But if you don't want it to be it doesn't have to be. Let's say you see the world as a great place with great people. Then that's what it is. To you. You sort of decide for yourself. So anyone can be anything if you perceive them that way. Ok agreed.

"Perception is all that matters."
False. Completely. For awhile I thought this to be absolutely true. And I've got to say that it seems rational. Even you agree(d). But it's just not all that matters. Because perception easily skews truth. I tried to rewrite this paragraph many times over to make a "notsoclosetohome" allusion and failed miserably. Perception isn't all that matters because even if you think I'm the greatest, when I'm not the greatest it doesn't matter what you perceive me as. Then when I am at my all time best, just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean I'm not here. Perception is not all that matters. At all. No conclusion here. A lot of varying thoughts, but no conclusion. Maybe another day.

"Perception matters most."
I'm still in between on this one. Because as you perceive is as it is. Sort of. If you think I'm great, it doesn't matter what I do. I'm great. Well I guess it matters what I do, but you know, just don't do THAT. And I'm great. But then I'm not great. But maybe what you think of me and what I think of me is all that matters. No matter who you are. It's not all that matters, but if we both think I'm good then I'm good? Not cosmically though. Because that's absolute. And in that case, Perception doesn't matter at all. Next post though. Absolutes.

"What you don't know won't hurt you." "Ignorance is Bliss." Etc.
Well I get real confused here. I finally grew up to realize that everything matters. It all matters. Sometimes I live my life like I live my life...as if things are temporary. It's been a long time coming, but change came. I can see the big picture. I see what it's about. Long term. And it's not about me. It took a lot of maturing to realize it's not about me at all. Selfish sucks. Selfless rocks. I'd rather deal with reality. Really. In real life, things are not what they seem. Sometimes you don't even realize that life is what you make it. I've been every idealistic for the majority of my life. Up until a few years ago. And then it got cloudy. I mean I thought it was scattered showers, but it was more like overcast. Maybe if all you see is overcast you forget it's overcast though. Anyway, sometimes the clouds clear to see that while the sun shines bright, it's actual surface is full of burning craters and blemishes. Just keep looking at those from a distance for as long as you can though. Until global warming catches up to us all. What you don't know hurts. Because it's still there. If you don't know you're wrong, you're still wrong. One day recently I learned that just because you don't know you're sinning, doesn't mean you're still not sinning. But if you know the difference God holds you more accountable.

Does it take Action or Intention or Both to Sin? Ponder on that. I know the answer.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

But think twice, that's my only advice




I remember when,
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice,
That's my only advice
Come on now, who do you,
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little,
Ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably