Love in America

Love in America by Sydmil E. Harris

The ever so popular idea of love is similar to the idea of democracy. It works great in theory, but the reality is, it more often than not fails. Especially in America, the country with the highest divorce rate on the planet. America has propagated democracy for decades. The same goes for love. For either concept the result is often not satisfactory. The reason that is true in my opinion, is that both consist out of a virtually unlimited number of compromises, something that most are just not always willing to do.

The secret of making a success out of democracy and love in their practical applications is to allow for a fairly wide margin of errors, thus patience. Let us also not forget that Americans have a tough time submitting to any type of uniformity for any length of time. After all, why should they? They live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. But this does not satisfy a nation that, in spite of its devotion to practicality, also strongly believes in perfection.

Yes, I realize that it may seem a tad odd for me, a foreigner, to speak of the troubles Americans face in their social life. But the truth is that I had always been sure I would find love here, which I did. Despite the obvious problems, Americans are still rather optimistic. And why should they not be right? Life here is good, for some…

Before landing here I had seen a great deal of American movies. These movies all gave me the impression that love in America is mostly triumphant, and that, in spite of many unfortunate accidents, a love story cannot but end very well indeed. Of course the movies always show struggles and problems, but things never stay wrecked. Even when the happy couple is compelled to divorce, this is not the end of everything. In most cases it is only the beginning. Very soon they will remarry, sometimes with one another, and always —without ever an exception —for love. I know what you are thinking, how can one think that movies give a reliable picture of what actual life is like? The truth is of course they don’t. Even movies based on actual events are hardly ever representative of the truth. (Take a look at the real Frank Lucas, the main character from American Gangster, nothing like Denzel) All I am saying is that American movies do represent the image people want love to have. This Image consists out of three basic principals; 1) love is the only reason why a man and a woman should get married 2) love is always wholesome, genuine, uplifting, and fresh, like a new born child. 3) if a relationship, for some reason or other, fails to keep you uplifted, wholesome, and fresh, the only thing to do is to begin all over again with another partner.

Tell me, am I the ignorant foreigner, tactless for questioning the validity of these premises? The truth is that I felt completely transformed the moment I took my first stroll on the UT Campus. My European skepticism evaporated with each step I took. And now that I am still young, but live an “old man’s life”, I am happy to find that maturity and even old age are merely (perhaps European) conventions of thought. I am slowly but surely adopting the American method, which is to be young and act young for the rest of my life —or at least until the expiration of my green card.

Whenever I go back to the Netherlands and listen to the radio, I am always surprised to find that so many songs can be written on subjects other than love. I have no statistics on the subject, but I am willing to bet that at least 80% of songs in America are about love, whether it is love gone bad, or love gone right, the topic is love. It seems to me that love, like everything else, is sold to the public. And because this is a consumer society, the very word, when heard so many times, becomes like an obsession. It penetrates one's sub consciousness like a subliminal message.

All of these factors contribute to the nationwide misunderstanding of the word love. However, there is one aspect that makes everything slightly more difficult, if not impossible. Men have never believed this, and have learned to be happy without it, women, especially American women, have. The American woman still entertains the delightful illusion that there must be some man on this earth who can understand her. It seems incredible to her that love, within legal bonds or outside of them, should not work out as advertised. It took my wife a while before she realized that the big wedding, with the white dress, and the grossly expensive engagement ring, are not indicative of future happiness. Success —the constant effort to make things work perfectly and the conviction that they can be made to —is the great national fixation. It is the foundation of the American Dream.

The American dream entails the notion that success has a universal formula. As we mature in life, we realize that the formula is not universal but more like buying a suit; There are several sizes that are close to your dimensions, but some tailoring is usually required to make it fit they way you want it to. For instance, I am a 46L. To make my suit fit me the way I want it to though, it take it to my Russian tailor. I always need to get several things adjusted; I have a small waist but big thighs, my jacket also need several adjustments. She does an excellent job. But, I digress… Another perfect example is the difference between an American cookbook and a French one. A French recipe seldom tells you how many ounces of butter to use to make anything. French cookbooks are full of mysterious measurements such as a pinch of pepper, a suspicion of garlic, or a generous sprinkling of brandy. There are constant references to seasoning to taste, as if the recipe were merely intended to give a general direction, relying on the experience of the cook to make the dish turn out right.

American recipes look like doctors' prescriptions. Perfect cooking seems to depend on perfect dosage. Some of these books give you a table of calories and vitamins —as if that had anything to do with the problem of eating well! It seems to me that love is approached in the same way.

Thus the problem of love in America seems to be the result of conflicting and rather unrealistic ways of approaching it. Too many songs, too many stories, too many pictures, and too much romance on the one hand, and too much practical advice on the other. It is as if the experience of being in love could only be one of two things: a superhuman ecstasy, the way of reaching heaven on earth and in pairs; or a mental condition to be treated by specialists.

It is not easy, nor perhaps of any use, to draw any conclusion from all this. I am but a simple European who has perhaps lost the fresh point of view of the visitor because he lives here, and who is not quite sure of what it means to be a European any more. I sometimes wonder if there is any real difference between the way men and women get along on either side of the world. I do think that the reason for the high American divorce rate can be traced to a cultural source. It is the strong feelings of revolt against human inadequacy to be perfectly happy, with anything. In Europe people are taught that compromise is not synonymous with defeat,but compromise is un-American.

Of course nothing is lost. There is no reason to think that love will always be a national problem in America. The Nation is after all barely five centuries old. All it takes, is for people to realize that love is not what Hollywood shows us, nor is it what professors tell us. Love is something that has no formula, (if it does no one knows it), no solution, and no definition. It is what binds us and drives us, it is what defines us as human beings. It is our purpose in life.

Lots of Love,

Sydmil E. Harris