I have a list of things on my mind that I've wanted to talk about. A lot. They're all supposed to be addressed in order. Sometimes you can't go with conventional chronology and just have to let the spirit lead you.

When you realize its not about you, you're going to find a whole new life.

Contradiction.

I can't see them coming down my eyes.

Comprehensive.

Divided we fail.

Duplicity.

Anything is possible.

Extrasensory perception.

Just to name a few. But all of those are staying on the back burner for another day/week/month/never. Today's topic: I don't have a title for today's topic. Or a theme or anything. I just have my thoughts. Here goes.


Have you ever woken up and realized you're everything you never thought you'd be. (You may be able to see where this is going.) You wake up, or snap out of a nap, or nod your head at work and think to yourself, "How did I get here?"


I have.

I woke up and realized that I am not the same. I am not the person I thought I would be at this point in my life. You think about being a "grown up" when you're little and it looks a whole lot different than it does when you're "grown." Thank God they tell you the world is a certain way when you're young. (<--future blog post?) They say you can't have regrets because without the things that have happened to you and the decisions you've made you wouldn't be who you are today. Nah. I side with Sean Carter on this one. "In this life you've gotta learn to live with regrets." I can't even pretend that I'm ok with all the choices that have gotten me where I'm at now. The ends don't justify the means. (<--another blog post?) I wake up in my parent's home. I've always been the main opponent of moving back home when I finished school. So I didn't. I hate asking for handouts. So I didn't. I'm independent. So I do things my own way. Then you realize you're that guy who stuck around too long. You're THAT guy. You graduated before everyone you knew. You have no plan. You always have plans, but they're short-term. You managed to jump 20 pounds twice. You live in excess and have an extraordinary sense of pride. You look in the mirror and you're not who you were. You've changed. You're THAT guy. You see what's wrong and you see it's your fault. You've stolen, cheated, lied, coveted, and that's just off top. The 7 deadly sins sound more like a checklist. You work hard for nothing. You work less for little. "No health insurance, scared to get sick." -Rapper Big Pooh- You pride yourself on being a people person, yet don't talk to people. You've lost a lot of the personal touch. The one person you want to be able to see "it" will never be able to see "it" again. Not correctly. That's poor.

Then it hits you. You're me. And I'm not who I was. At all.

I've come along way. A really long way. I moved back to Houston. I live with my folks. It saves money. It's not bad. At all. I needed it. I have a family that loves me in a more personal way and reaches out to know me and tries beyond what I could ever ask for to be there for me in every way imaginable. I eat good. I sleep good. I can feel it. I don't have that weight. Not like I used to. I'm there for you. If you need it. Holler at me, but don't scream. No qualms. If my sisters need anything, I'm there in the blink of an eye. Like I always wanted to be. me and my brother are good like when we were knee high...to the tree high [Sonnier]. I was darn near 22 before I got a car. I always wanted one and to some its nothing, but to me it's everything. It's one of the countless blessings I can't thank God enough for everyday. In addition to breathing, walking, talking, etc. She lives 3 hours away, but I jump out there as frequently as I can. For one, the sheer monumental blessing of having the opportunity to have the honor and privilege to call her mine is a testament to how far I/we've come. The fact that skipping town is a mere post-work-weekend-warrior is another blessing in itself. Let's go. What more could I really ask for? "I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end." -James Taylor- What I don't have in the most superficial of categories are far outweighed in the areas that matter. I've got that feeling in my soul that lets me know what life is supposed to be like. I have a God that loves me unconditionally and has given me another chance at life in addition to a small fraction of wisdom that I can't say I ever thought I'd have at 23. I've got a renewed faith. Boy if you know that feeling, you feel me. I have guidance from everywhere. I have a peace in my soul that trumps the discord in my pocket. I have a family that I couldn't ask for in my prayers. I have a set of friends that care for me and hold me down in ways I couldn't articulate if I tried. And I have a lady that loves me despite. Now you tell me what I see in the mirror when I wake up. I wake up and see that the only thing guaranteed is change. I wash the sleep out of my eyes and see the light. Literally and figuratively. I can't see the future but I can see past the past. And that's a testament in itself.

You look at life everyday and you see yourself in the mirror and you can't see the change. But if you mark the wall to see your height and you come back a year later you see you've grown 6 inches. I've grown 6 inches. 12 inches. And I'm just getting started.

Now that's a change I can believe in.